and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
