Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
