first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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