When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
