everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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