i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
