This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
