I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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