I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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