wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Come share oat with me in your robe
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
