He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
