you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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