never play flip cup with pint glasses
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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