I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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