the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
