I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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