Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
