turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
