My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
