opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
