I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
