Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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