I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
