I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
