I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
