checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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