dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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