i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
