does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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