i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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