What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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