a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
