I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
