Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
