I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
