booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
