Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Less talking, more tequila
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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