The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
