oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
