dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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