i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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