I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
