so let's talk penis.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
