i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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