just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
