i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
