i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my sisters under your porch take her home
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
