90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
