New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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