She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
