just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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