I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
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I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm getting married
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.