Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.