I have demons in me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.