i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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