If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
