I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
