So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
