the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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