; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
