Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
