After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
