i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
