I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
