my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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